Extempore: I Am His



“He kissed you…”


I nodded and bit my lip, forcing myself to look into his eyes.  They were scrutinizing, and I’m scared of what he’d say once I tell him.


“And?” he added.


“And what?”


“What else happened?  I need details,”


I moaned.  “Ano’ng details?  Isn’t that enough?  Hindi ka man lang ba nagagalit?  Aren’t you even mad some other guy kissed me?”


He shrugged.  “Did you like it?”


My jaw dropped.  “What?  No!  God, no!” did I have to like it?


“Then why would I be angry?” he smiled and held my shoulders.  “Shouldn’t I feel proud my woman’s ex is still drooling over her?”


I pinched his side and he made an exaggerated whimper.  He’s making light of this, pero alam kong nagseselos siya.


“I’m sorry… I shouldn’t have let it happen.  Sinabi ko sa ‘yo agad kasi ayokong maglihim sa ‘yo.  At ayokong magalit ka sa akin pero—,”


“Mahal,” he held my face with both hands.  “Hindi ako galit.  Jealous, maybe a little but I can’t be angry with you,”




He nodded and gave me his boyish, irresistible smile.  His fingers caressed my cheeks gently, his eyes on my lips.


“But right now, I want you to…” his thumb finger lightly grazed my lower lip.  “…let me disinfect you,”


My brows lifted and I opened my mouth to ask what he meant when he lowered his head and kissed me.  His lips claimed mine in a gentle but possessive way, a bit different from his kisses before.


“Disinfect talaga?” I laughed and wrapped my hands around his neck as I kissed him back.  Both his arms were on my waist, holding me firmly.


Right there and then, he completely erased that blurred image forcing its way in my mind for hours before he came.


For how long our kiss lasted, I didn’t know.  We were both breathless when he let me go.  He embraced me, held me so tight; and I reveled in that moment where I felt safe, loved; cherished in his arms.


I called him when I got home that night, telling him something happened and that he needed to know.  He has an out of town trip in the morning and I told him we could talk once he came back, but my tone must have gutted him he came by after dinner.


“Can you do something for me?” he whispered, his lips on my temple.




His embrace loosened, but his arms still enfolding me.  “Talk to him.  Settle things with him once and for all,”




“Please?” he pleaded.  “Para hindi na maulit ang nangyari,”


I sighed, uncertain if I could do it.  But he’s right.  It’s been long overdue.  Para na rin matahimik kami pare-pareho…


“Gusto mo ba, ako ang kumausap sa kanya?  I can’t promise it would be good, though,”


“Hey,” I patted his shoulder gently.


“Just kidding,” he countered but his face was serious.  “He once had your heart… but I’ll try not to worry,”


I smiled as I put my arms around him.  Ang mahal ko… he really is jealous and angry but not with me but him.


“Siguro nga.  He had.  But you have not just my heart but all of me…”


He smiled and rubbed his nose against mine.  “’That so?”




“Prove it.”


I felt my cheeks heating up as I shyly pulled the collar of his sports shirt and kissed him.  He grunted, embracing me so tight his arms almost lifted me from the floor.


“O—Okay na ba ‘yon?” I asked, releasing short breaths when I pulled away.  The night was so quiet and from the lighted porch of our backyard garden we couldn’t hear anything but both our ragged breathing.


His beautiful eyes bored into mine, dark and filled with desire.  I swallowed.  Though it was there when we kissed earlier, it felt different this time that I initiated the kiss.  If we kissed again I’m not sure how far we could both hold back…


“It will never be enough,” he whispered gruffly.  He pulled down the sleeve of my loose knitted sweater blouse, exposing my shoulder.


“Mahal—!” I gasped when he bowed and pressed his lips near my collarbone, his teeth gently biting my soft flesh.


I trembled.  I knew in the way he holds me especially whenever we’re in public how he is so protective of me, but that’s not half of what he’s like when we’re alone together, like right now.  He’s so… intense; controlling— I never felt anything like this before, from anyone…


“You’re mine,” he said in a low but firm voice as his fingers traced the red mark he left.


“Yes,” I responded as if hypnotized. My heart beat louder against my chest I could hear it more than my own voice.  I fell for all the things he is, for what he made me feel— that I’m the only woman for him, his one and only dream.  But there’s something about what I feel for him right now I can’t control or define.  Perhaps wanting to please him… I want to make him happy the way he makes me happy.


He held me once again in his arms, my head pressed on his broad chest.  I could feel his breath on my hair, his arm wrapped around my shoulders while the other snaked on my waist.


“I love you… I love you so much I am never letting you go,” he whispered as he trailed kisses from where he bit me to my neck, to my chin, my jaw…


I closed my eyes, taking his every word into my heart, feeling his light kisses burning my skin.  It scares me how he makes me melt into his arms.  I fear he’s becoming obsessed with me now that I realized how possessive he is, but I really don’t mind.  I actually… like it…


“I love you, too,” I whispered into his mouth when he finally reached my lips.  “And I’m not going anywhere,”


He cupped my face with both hands as he gave me one final kiss.  The light in the kitchen switched on that he had to let me go.  Someone must have wanted to check on us; must be Mom or Dad.


“I guess you have to go somewhere for now— your room,” he laughed and walked me to the backdoor to the kitchen.  He touched my shoulder one last time.  “And don’t let your mother see that.  She’ll kill me,”


Blushing, I pulled my sweater up to my neck.  Mamaya lang, mamumula na ng husto ‘yon.  Mom wouldn’t buy a mosquito bite for a reason, unless she has eyesight as good as Pocahontas’ Mrs. Jenkins.  “She definitely would,”


He laughed.  “And no halter or off-shoulder or sleeveless for you for now, my dear,”


God, he’s right, I groaned inwardly.  That was his idea in the first place.  “You sure are territorial,”


“I am very protective of what’s mine,” he held my nape and brushed my lower lip with his thumb finger.  “And I’ll claim my territory again once I get back.  Go in before I go Edward Cullen on you again,” 


I smiled.  I wouldn’t complain if he did.


Goodnight, Mahal,”


“Goodnight,” I watched as he headed out to his car before going in through the backdoor.



Disclaimer:  This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents either are products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.



Postlude: Closure (Part I)




“Oh, my God!  Have you seen them?  Hinatid siya dito and I saw him kissing her!  Ang sweet!”


“Talaga?  Sila na kaya?  Lagi silang spotted together.  Gosh, I am so rooting for them! Hintayin natin kung kailan sila aamin,”


Then I heard the girls giggling.  I recognized their voices but I don’t have the slightest idea who they’re talking about.


Who am I kidding?  Of course, I have.  Baby Girl.  And the new guy.  Well, the not-so new guy.  He was second lead in our first movie and had this longtime crush on her, and recently been with her in her several tours abroad.  Now rumors that they’re already an item began circulating, and pictures of them so sweet together went viral it irritates me for some reason.


So the second lead gets the girl in real life, eh?  No way.  I battled it out with my mind as if it could change what’s happening.  Irritated isn’t the right term for me but jealous.  Burning, bleeding,  infuriated, frustrated jealous.


You had the chance and you freakin’ lost it, I mused in pathetic resignation.  I put this upon myself which makes it harder to accept; a harsh reality I have to live with because I made it happen.


I carried my duffel bag and headed to our dressing room.  General rehearsals for our Sunday show’s anniversary were since this morning and I already missed out on a lot.


My phone in my pocket rang.  Probably Little Miss Pudding trying to check up on me again.  Sheesh… bakit pa, eh tinext ko na nga siya na nandito na ako?  I ignored the call and headed to the dressing room.


As I passed by, I heard their voices.  The frontrunners are on their last set of rehearsals.  I peeked from backstage.  There she was, on stage—My Queen— smiling, having fun with her friends, her fellow singers; always with that refreshing aura that one can’t help but smile too when around her.


A few weeks have quickly passed since that last time I saw her.  Somehow I found a way to get over the nostalgia, because I have to.  Whenever I see her, I’ll feel it over and over again and it had to stop.  I’ve been telling myself guilt was all I’m feeling but it’s deeper than that.  It hurts.  It hurts I couldn’t be by her side like I used to be.  It hurts every time I see her like this.  But right now… I wonder why I just couldn’t look away…


I watched in the dark as the music director discussed adjustments on the arrangement.  The stage was overly lit that I know they wouldn’t even notice me.  Suddenly she turned and looked at my direction, her eyebrows curled, on her face a little unease.


My heart started beating faster.  She must have felt I was there! 


Of course she couldn’t.  I answered myself feeling a little stupid.  Asa pa ako…


“Ano’ng ginagawa mo dito?  Kanina ka pa nila hinihintay, ah,”


I quickly turned around and found Little Miss Pudding behind me.


I glanced sideward at the stage.  “Nanood lang ako saglit,”


Her eyebrows almost met.  She stepped and peeked and I watched as her expression turned sour.


“Pinanood mo sila habang nag-uusap-usap?” her voice was pained.  “Tayo na ang susunod diyan.  Halika na,”


“I’ll go to the john first.  Susunod ako agad,”


She eyed me with suspicion.


“I’ll follow you right away, I promise,”


“Just hurry.  Late ka na nga, nagawa mo pang tumambay dito,” she turned around flipping her hair and trudged back, her tower-high heels making an annoying noise on the floor.


I sighed.  I just came from a game and my body still ached I still need a few hours to rest.  And there goes my girlfriend welcoming me jealous and irate.  But I have to be here.  I want to be here.  It’s always been a joy to me being a part of this show, this family.  I may have created a lot of issues, got involved in endless intrigues and controversies but they still kept me and I’m forever grateful for that.


After changing into my shirt and jeans, I went out of the john the same time my phone chimed again.  I took it out of my pocket and saw Little Miss Pudding sent me a message.



I told them you arrived pero bakit wala ka pa rin daw.  Bilisan mo naman…



Blowing out air, I typed my reply:



Papunta na.



I turned from the men’s washroom to the corridor heading back to the stage.  I was still deleting Little Miss Pudding’s message when I bumped into someone.  We were both in a hurry my phone fell and we were both knocked down on the floor.


“Ouch!” she groaned in pain, holding her right ankle.  I looked at her.  No wonder her scent, the sound of her voice was so familiar.  This feeling when we collided, when our bodies touched no matter how brief it was, sent ripples of emotions consuming me it was unstoppable.


“Baby Girl…”




I’m trying to stop myself from crying.  My ankle hurts I think it really broke.  I should have worn my flats before I went through with the rehearsals but I was late.  We finished practicing for a number but I still have my solo performance to go through.


My bag was on the floor but good thing I found my belongings still intact.  I reached for it.  I was hurrying and checking my phone at the same time on my way to the ladies’ room.


“I’m really sorry… are you okay?”


The gentle words halted me when I tried to stand up.  I looked up and saw him.


He offered me his hand.  There was a worried frown on his face and I didn’t want to look into his eyes but I had no choice.


Ignoring his help, I wobbled when I tried to stand up on my own.  His hand instantly held my arm and he helped me stand up.  As if burned from his touch, I quickly freed myself from him.


“I’m alright.  Thank you,”


“Are you sure?  Should I call one of the medics?  You look—,”


“I said I’m fine,” Good heavens… it could have been the janitor.  Or Manong Guard or one of the lights men… why of all people, him?


Forgetting I needed a retouch, I turned around to go back to my dressing room.


“Baby Girl, wait!” he called when I tried to walk but couldn’t.  I groaned in pain.


He grunted in frustration, in worry.  “You’re hurt!  I knew it!  Let me see—,”


“I’ll be alright!” my voice was a notch higher.  He tried to touch me again and I don’t want that.  But I can barely walk…


I couldn’t say anything when he held my arm and put it on his shoulder.  His hand went to my waist, his chest pressing against mine as he walked me to my dressing room.


“Almost there,” he whispered, his breath I could feel on my hair covering my face.  His cool, sexy, manly scent assaulted my senses, the same scent he had during the time we were together.


“Oh, Bunso, ano’ng nangyari?” Kuya was in my dressing room waiting for me. Pinaglipat-lipat niya ang tingin sa aming dalawa.


“Na-sprain, Kuya,” he answered and pulled the seat of my dresser.  “Sit down.  I’ll massage your ankle para mabawasan ang sakit,”


“N— No, you don’t have to.  I’m okay, really,” I looked at Kuya, my eyes pleading, ‘Don’t go!  Don’t leave me here with him!’


“Sorry, Bunso,” he answered, getting my message.  “Boss is calling for me I really have to go… but don’t worry, I’ll send someone.  Bandage?  Pain reliever?  Ano’ng kailangan?”


“She’ll be fine, Kuya.  Ako na’ng bahala sa kanya,” he replied with mild amusement.


Kuya shrugged, his smile apologetic.  “Maiwan ko muna kayo,” he went out and closed the door.


I groaned inwardly, feeling my head swirl.  He and I… in my dressing room… the last time we were alone in my dressing room, I was… he was…


He sighed and put his duffel bag on the floor before kneeling in front of me, stopping my thoughts before it goes back to somewhere long forgotten, long forbidden.  He held my leg and folded the hem of my jeans up before unstrapping my wedge sandals.


“You don’t really have to do this.  I just have to wear something more comfortable—,”


“Sshh.  Just let me,” he cut me off gently.  “This is my fault.  Sorry ulit,”


I shook my head.  I winced when he twisted my ankle and tugged my foot gently.  He looked at me, in his eyes tenderness and worry.


“Does that hurt?” he asked, holding my foot with both his hands.


“Not at all…”


He smiled and kept pressing and massaging my foot.  My muscles relaxed, softening into the warmth of his hands.


I stared at him, at his hands, at his handsome face.  He seemed so focus, so serious about what he’s doing I can’t help but smile.  I remembered the scene in our first movie where he did the same thing…


His head rose up, his eyes meeting mine.  He was smiling too, and I could tell we were thinking about the same thing.


Both our smiles widened, the worried look in his eyes softened.  I don’t know how long we stared at each other that way; as if the world stopped for a moment, when his phone chimed; breaking the magic between us.


He looked at it and after a while rejected whoever it is who was calling.  He groaned and shook his head, holding his nape as if he forgot something important.


I cleared my throat and pretended checking my wristwatch.  “Pupunta nga pala ako sa kabilang studio… papasadahan ko pa ang solo number ko,”


He stood up the same time I did.  I could feel his eyes on me as I searched for my flats in the drawers.  After wearing one on, I walked carefully to the door and opened it.  “I’ll go ahead.  Thank you,”


I halted in surprise when he called my name.  It was as if it was foreign, like he called a stranger.  All this time he was calling me Baby Girl.  I wasn’t used to him calling me by my name…


I turned around.  He wasn’t looking at me but at the seat I vacated.


“Kayo na ba?”


My eyes narrowed.  Did I hear that right?


There was silence between us for a moment before he asked again, this time, his eyes on me.  “Kayo na ba?”


My hand tightened on the strap of my bag on my shoulder.  And this guy had the gall to ask.


“Is that, in any case, your business?”


“I have the right to know.”


I laughed, my tone mocking.  “Oh, you do,”


Pain crossed his eyes but only for a second.  “Just tell me,”


Get a grip, girl, get a grip, I whispered to myself.  I could feel my whole body shaking.  After a few deep breaths I answered.


“Paano kung ganoon nga?”


He swallowed, the muscles in his jaw flexed.  “Don’t you think it’s awkward?”




 “She and I.  You and him,” I stepped backward when he walked closer.


I laughed again.  “Who made it awkward?”


He bowed but didn’t stop until we’re just inches away from each other.  His eyes bored into mine.  Pain, guilt, remorse… longing… and love were all there…


“Do you love him?”


For a while I was taken aback he asked it so bluntly.  I raised my chin, meeting his gaze as I answered without blinking.


“I do.  I truly do.”


He sucked his breath harshly and nodded.  When he finally didn’t say anything, I turned for the door again.


I felt him on my back.  I gasped when he grabbed my arm and forced me to face him.  He closed the door behind me; his hands fixed over my head.


“What are you doing—,”


“Liar,” his eyes were misty as he muttered.


I drew a sharp breath, feeling my anger shoot up.  “Isang tao lang ang marunong magsinungaling dito at hindi ako ‘yon!”


The pain in his eyes doubled.  He bowed, closing his eyes.  He clenched his fist over my head and punched the door gently.


I didn’t budge.  Pero ang pag-iyak ko ang baka hindi ko mapigilan…


“Let me go,” I pushed his chest with both hands when I felt tears warming my eyes.  He didn’t move even one bit.  I tried again, pushing him harder.


Wrong move, I scolded myself when his hands gripped my wrists.  He pushed me not-so gently on the door, our faces almost touching.  He drew his breath sharply, his voice hoarse when he spoke.


“My Queen…”


And in a flash his lips found mine.


No, no!  I screamed inside my head, my eyes wide in shock.  Hindi na dapat ako nagpapadala sa ganito.  Hindi ko dapat hinayaang mangyari ito…


He put my hands around his neck.  His lips left mine for a while as he possessively held my waist.


I closed my eyes.  He angled his head to kiss me again but his breath was held mid-air.


He wiped a tear that fell on my cheek.  He looked confused, troubled and shocked as I was.


My hands fell on my sides.  He took his time letting me go, his hands sliding slowly off my waist.


“I— I wasn’t thinking…” his voice was rough when he spoke.  “Sorry I just can’t help it.  I’m so sorry—,”


He tried to reach for me again but I pushed him, in anger, in embarrassment.  “Don’t touch me, and stop saying you’re sorry.  I’m getting sick and tired of those words,”


“My Queen—,”


“Stop— calling me that!” I yelled and turned around, hoping I could finally go out.  But he pulled me, embracing me from behind, his face buried in between my neck and shoulder.


“I wasn’t sorry for kissing you, for wanting to hold you again… for missing you so bad, for being in pure hell because I know I deserve it…”

His arms around me went tighter, his lips I could feel on my neck as he whispered.  “I’m sorry because I’ve hurt you, for putting you all through the pain… but most of all, I feel sorry for myself,”


I swallowed, trying to find my voice.  When I spoke again I couldn’t even hear myself.


“What… are you saying?”


He didn’t answer and loosened his embrace.  He sniffed, and I felt a tear fell on my shoulder.  He’s… crying.


I felt our distance widened.  I turned around slowly and saw him picking up his bag.  I moved aside when he opened the door and went out of the dressing room. 


It’s been minutes since he left but I stood there, stiff like a statue.  Nakabalik na rin si Kuya’t lahat pero hindi pa rin ako makagalaw.


I’m in a daze, perturbed and shaken; weighed with questions and confusion much more now than I have ever been.




Disclaimer:  This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents either are products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Mémoires II: Wonderful, Bittersweet



Ang sabi nila, darating ang panahon na tatawanan na lang daw natin lahat ng masasakit na nangyari sa atin sa nakaraan… pero bago naman tawanan ang mga iyon, matagal muna nating iiyakan.  Iiyakan nang iiyakan nang iiyakan…


Here I am inside my walk-in closet, in ‘the shoes section’ as my girl-friends call it. I still have an hour and thirty before my commercial shoot so I decided to tweak a few minutes sorting out my shoes according to kind, and to particularly look for one of my A. Mc’s.


There I saw it— on the upper left side of one of the shelves— the huge ‘Ex Box’.


I pulled my footstool under my accessories’ table and reached for it.


“To the left, to the left.  Everything you own in the box to the left…” I laughed at myself while singing.  I carried it with both hands and was surprised at how heavy it was.


“Anu-ano ba ang mga ipinaglalagay ko dito?” sabay bukas sa kahon.  Painstakingly arranged and enclosed in cloth bags all gifts that came from him.  As in LAHAT.


I took them all out.  The shoes— the Tributes, the custom-made wedges, sneakers, flats… shirts, jeans, designer dresses, sunglasses, bags. (oh, the bags!) His stuff— his shirt, denim jacket, ballers, couple bracelets, our couple watches; the necklace, the rings and THE ring.


My smile turned poignant as I rummaged the tiny casket from the bottom of the box.  Slowly, I opened it.


The ruby ring… hindi kumupas ang kinang nito simula nang una kong isuot, kahit pa maraming buwan na ang dumaan.  I took it and held it between my thumb and forefinger.  My birthstone.  My engagement ring.  The last gift I received from him, his symbol of love and promise of forever…


“I promise you I will love and cherish you forever… I will protect you with my life.  I promise…”


I don’t know why, but I wore it.  And I’m sad it didn’t fit my ring finger anymore.  Maluwag na dahil pumayat ako…


My tablet pinged that I almost jumped.  I forgot I brought it with me expecting my sister would call any moment.


“Salut, Chéri!  How are you?”


I smiled, moving the Ex Box aside.  “I’m doing good, Ate.  It’s been a while…”


Her eyebrow rose.  “Where are you?  Carrie Bradshaw’s wardrobe?”


I tilted my head back while laughing.  “Ano ka ba?  I sent you a picture of this, remember?  Noong bagong pina-renovate ni Daddy,”


“Oh, ‘yan ba ‘yon?  Eh wala kasing laman no’n, eh,” I could tell her eyes shimmered.  “Magnifique!  I like it.  I can’t wait to get home,”


“I can’t wait for you to get home.  I missed you, ‘te.  Have lots to tell you…”


“I know,” She sighed and took a long look at me.  “The last time we talked you looked like a disaster.  Thank God now you look… très chic.  Welcome back,”


I laughed and Indian-sat in front of my accessories table.  I’ve waited a while until I could talk to her again.  We got so busy the past months.  “It’s all thanks to you and everyone.  How are you?  At nasaan ka nga pala?  Hindi ‘yan ang pad mo…”


Ate laughed sweetly.  “I’m at a friend’s house.  Well, it’s her birthday and she invited us for her party and to sleep over.  I couldn’t say no,” she yawned.  “Don’t worry, walang boys dito.  Hindi mo ako kailangang isumbong kay Mommy,”


“Hindi naman kita isusumbong.  In fact, I’ll be happier if I knew na may kasama ka ngang boyfriend diyan,”


She gasped and faked a shock.  “Sis!”


“I’m kidding,” I grinned.  “But really, wala pa ba talaga?”


“Hmm… well, there’s this guy who’s been so nice to me since I came here.  He’s Fil-American… I don’t know, sometimes I could catch him staring at me.  He sends me gifts during special occasions but other than that…” she shook her head.  “He’s friendly, he’s caring… but he never said he likes me, nor asks me to go out with him.  I don’t know,”


“I see…”


“At ayoko naman na ako ang unang magtanong.  Maybe he’s still waiting for the perfect time,” she shrugged and held her chin with her elbow on her pillow.


“Enough about me.  So I just heard they’re officially ON.  Ayoko na’ng makakarinig ng tungkol sa kanya but I found out by accident,”


Uh-oh, here we go, I thought.  I just nodded and smiled.  “Yup, matagal na rin,”


She rolled her eyes.  “Like when?  Right after he broke up with you?  He kept her at bay but couldn’t stand the guilt and in the end, chose her?”


I kept my smile.  I want to tell her I don’t want to talk about them anymore but there’s no stopping my sister once she began talking.


“Nagtataka nga ako sa ‘yo, eh.  Kung nandiyan ako, nabatukan na kita.  Ang dali mong napatawad ang dalawang ‘yon…”


“’Yun kasi ang pinakamadaling gawin,” I shrugged.  “Ang sabi nga, the best revenge is not to get mad or get even… it’s to forgive and be happy.  Move on na lang kaming lahat para masaya,”


“Hay, ewan ko sa ‘yo,”


I chuckled.  “Ano ba ‘te?  Get over it!  Okay na ako; kayo na lang ang hindi pa,”


“Talaga!  I’m still seething so bear with it.  And that girl?” she said the last two words as if she tasted bile in her tongue. “Isn’t it an unwritten rule between girl-friends na walang talu-talo ng ex?  Sa totoo lang ha, mas naaawa ako do’n sa best friend niya kaysa sa ‘yo,”


Sighing, I held my tablet and fell with my back on the carpeted floor.  “Well, I guess that rule doesn’t apply to everyone…”


There was a short pause while she intently stared at me. “Yeah, you’re one to talk.  Mom told me you and that girl’s ex are getting extra close.  And now he’s courting you…”


I bit my lip.  By the tone in her voice I could tell she didn’t like the idea.  I know some of my close friends too, and even some of my fans.


“You went out a few days ago with Mom and Dad and his parents, at ipinakilala ka na raw niya.  Tell me, Chéri … do you like him, too?” she inquired gently with that tone she uses on me since we were kids whenever she saw me crying.


I nodded, staring at my tablet’s small screen as if we were face to face.  “He makes me happy… he’s nice to me ever since.  He’s sweet, kind, gentle, cheerful and smart.  And you know how Mom and Dad are like with our suitors.  He’s not scared of them.  Kahit noong sabihin kong ayaw kong parang ayaw ko na muna uling magpaligaw, nagpilit pa rin,”


I smiled remembering how he asked for Mom and Dad’s consent.  “He said he’ll never give up on me… that he’ll wait.  At ‘no retreat, no surrender’ daw siya pagdating sa ‘kin…”


“Sœur, how many times have we heard that?  Syempre, ‘yon ang sasabihin niya, tulad din ng iba.  Pero… oh, well…” my sister waved her hand in resignation.


“You know I just want you to be careful.  By this time, alam kong natuto ka na.  We love you too much we don’t want you getting hurt again.  Alam mo ‘yan, ‘di ba?” 


“Yeah… I know, that,” I answered, trying to hold my tears.  That’s when the door opened and Mom came in.


“Hanap ako nang hanap sa ‘yo kanina pa,” her eyes darted my tablet and then lingered on the Ex Box.  She carefully looked at me but didn’t say anything.  “We’ll leave at thirty.  Get up and get dressed already,”


She closed the door but opened it again.  “And oh, sabihin mo sa ate mo tawagan din ako,”


I got up and dusted off my pants once the door’s shut.  “Narinig mo ‘yon?  Tawagan mo raw siya,”


There goes the eye-rolling again.  “Kanina lang kami nag-usap.  May nakalimutan na naman sigurong sabihin,”


“Si Mommy pa,” I laughed.  “’Have to go, ‘te.  Talk to you again, okay?”


“You bet.  Take care.  And I love you,”


“I love you, too,” I blew her a kiss and ended the call.


By this time, alam kong natuto ka na, her voice replayed in my years and I suddenly remembered Mom saying the same thing.


That time, when I told them we got engaged before we broke up, but only after Dad saw his vacation pictures with someone very familiar.  I’ve never seen Daddy that angry before I thought he’s going to have a heart attack.


“’Yan ba?  ‘Yan ba ang lalaking pilit mong ipinaglalaban sa amin?” he yelled, his face red in anger.


“Ang sabi mo, okay ang lahat… ang sabi mo huwag ka naming alalahanin.  Tapos ganyan ang makikita namin?” I flinched when he threw his iPad beside me on the couch.


“At kailan mo ito balak sabihin?  Kung hindi pa nakita ng Mommy mo, magugulat na lang kami isang araw na bigla ka na namang magbe-breakdown sa harap namin!”


I sobbed silently and looked at Mom standing in the middle of the living room, her arms crossed on her chest, her face void of any emotion.  She has always been so strict and straightforward when it comes to disciplining me, but now she’s so quiet it scares me more.


“Pinagkatiwalaan namin siya… kayong dalawa na aalagaan niyo ang isa’t-isa…” Dad continued, stroking his nape.  There was still anger in his voice but it mellowed down a bit.


Standing up, I made him sit down and held his hand.  “Sorry po, Dad, Mom.  Ayoko lang po na magalit pa kayo lalo sa kanya.  May pagkukulang din naman po ako kung bakit kami—,”


“Huwag mo na siyang ipagtanggol sa amin, anak.  Kahit sa paanong paraan pa namin malaman, alam mong magagalit kami sa kanya.  Hindi mo ‘yon mapipigilan.  At hindi mo kami masisisi,”


I kept on sobbing, now feeling more than ever the weight of things and how I tried to bear them all alone.  I couldn’t.  I never could…


“Mom,” I went to her, holding her arm.  “Please say something.  You’re scaring me…”


Only then that she looked at me.  Tears were about to fall from her eyes as she pulled me for an embrace, surprising me.


I cried all the more.  She held me to her chest, her hand gentle as it stroked my hair.


“Wala kaming ibang hinangad at ipinagdasal ng Daddy mo kundi ang kaligayahan at kabutihan ninyong magkakapatid… ano sa tingin mo ang nararamdaman namin sa tuwing nasasaktan ka tulad ngayon?”


She sniffed and embraced me tighter.  “Wala na akong ibang sasabihin dahil pagkatapos ng mga nangyaring ito’y may tiwala akong alam mo na ang gagawin.  And we’re here for you.  Alam mong susuportahan ka namin; tutulungang bumangon sa bawat pagkakadapa.  You know that.  Iyon ang tatandaan mo, okay?”


I nodded, my cries louder but my heart lighter.  My mother has always been my citadel.  Where I run to first when I get hurt, when I fail, when things get difficult for me…


I heard Mom’s voice again reminding me I only have less than twenty minutes to get ready.  I put the huge box’s lid back and carried it, staring at it for a while before putting it back in place.


My Angel… I sighed deeply, ignoring the slight piercing in my chest.  Kung tulad lang sana ng pagtanggal ng mga apps sa mobile phones ang pagtanggal sa feelings ginawa ko na… I couldn’t tell my sister earlier that when I saw him a few days ago everything went back to me.


With that fleeting moment when our eyes met, all the wonderful, bittersweet memories flooded my thoughts in a surge.  The questions left unanswered… all the confusion, pain and anger…  ‘yung pakiramdam na kung gaano niya kadaling naiwanan at binalewala ang lahat sa amin, ganoon naman katagal at kahirap para sa akin ang mag-move on…


“Stop it!  Stop it!” I poked myself angrily.  “Time to get ready!  Wala ka pang isusuot!”


Skimming through my wardrobe real quick, I grabbed the first pair of jeans and blouse my eyes had lain on.  And too bad, I couldn’t find those pair of shoes I’m looking for.


In five minutes flat I went out of my room and headed straight to the car.


“Ano ba ‘yung malaking box sa closet mo?” Mom inquired casually once I sat down.


Pasimple pa ‘to si Mommy, kunwari ‘di alam, I laughed inwardly.  “Old stuff, Mom.  Mga ilang buwan ko nang hindi nagagamit…”


“Eh, bakit ‘di mo pa ilagay sa bodega?  O kaya i-donate na natin.  Para may mailagay ka pa sa top shelf.  Ang laking bulk no’n doon,”


“S— Sige po,” I answered hesitantly.  I don’t know what’s the better option.  Sa totoo lang, nanghihinayang ako…


Half an hour later we arrived at the shoot’s venue.  Everyone’s getting ready when we arrived.  I went straight to the commercial’s production team and beamed upon seeing someone I didn’t expect to be there.


“Hey, Loveliest,” my dashing and ever-resolute suitor greeted me with a smile.  “Surprised?”


“What are you doing here?”


He shrugged.  “Just wanna watch you.  Okay lang ba?  Kung ayaw mo, wala ka namang magagawa.  I’m staying,”


I laughed aloud, walking closer to shoulder-slap him.  But he held my hand and took it to his lips, giving it a gentle kiss.


My heart raced.  The background fades into the set and all unnecessary thoughts left me in an instant.




 Disclaimer:  This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents either are products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Mémoires I: Remorse and Pain

a betrayal_





She turned around from looking at her dresser’s mirror.  The surprise in her eyes mirrored my own, and her sexy parted lips broke into her sweetest smile.




I swallowed, trying to hold myself up for a while.  When did she become this beautiful?  I mean I always knew she’s beautiful but looking at her now…

I couldn’t help myself gazing at her from head to toe. Her hair’s cut short and she rocks it, she looked younger but sexier and it fits her perfectly it accentuated her doll-like face and innocent eyes.


How long has it been?  It feels like eons since I saw her like this.  True, we still meet at every turn and we’re still at the same Sunday show but it felt like a millennium since… well, since I talked to her that day I left her…


“Are you looking for Ate?  Nasa kabilang dressing room siya,” she asked, interrupting my thoughts.  She looked around before giving me an apologetic smile.  “Nandito kami lahat kanina but we were asked to transfer.  May aayusin yata.  Nagkataon naman na paalis na ako…”


“Ah,” why am I disappointed that she’s leaving? And I wasn’t really looking for her ‘Ate’.  “Ganoon ba?”


She grabbed her bag and phone on the dresser.  “Mauna na ako.  See you,” she said gently, ending the longest conversation we had ever since.  She walked past me and I had a whiff of her sweet perfume; different from the one she had on when we were together, but it suited her and still left the same an enchanting effect on me.


I followed her and closed the door behind me.  I was about to call her; offer her that I’d walk her outside when someone grabbed my arm and hooked it with hers.


“There you are,” Little Miss Pudding looked up and smiled sweetly at me like she always does.  Then she turned to her, still wearing her smile. “Alis ka na, Sis?”


She nodded.  “Practice pa for my album tour…”


“Talaga lang?  Kailangan mo pa ba ng practice?” her ‘Ate’ laughed teasing, with a medyo-fangirl, medyo-inggit tone in her voice.  She partly released me to give her cheek an air-kiss.  “Well, ingat ka…”


“Kayo rin,” she looked at me for a while before turning her back on us.


I watched her silently as she walked away.  Did I just saw a flicker of pain in her eyes when she looked at me?


Impossible, I shook my head inwardly.  I must be imagining things.


“Let’s go,” Little Miss Pudding tugged at my sleeve.  “I’m hungry,”


I grinned.  “Late lunch?  Saan mo gustong kumain?”


She looked at her wristwatch.  “More like early dinner.  There’s a new place near our house!  Try natin,” she said enthusiastically, and I know what she’s trying to imply with the ‘near our house’ part.


My head shook as I laughed, my hand slipping at the small of her back.  “Your call, princess…”




“Hey… okay ka lang ba?  Kanina ka pa tahimik,”


“Hm?” I barely heard her.  “Yeah.  Masarap ‘to, ah,”


She snorted.  “I’m asking you kung okay ka lang.  Parang ang lalim ng iniisip mo kanina pa habang nagda-drive ka…”


I leaned back on my seat, putting down my spoon and fork on my almost empty plate.  “I’m just feeling really tired.  Kakagaling ko from shooting kaninang madaling araw and I have to be at the studio for the dance practice…”


“Oh,” she stood up and moved to the seat right next to me.  She embraced me, resting her face on my chest.  “I’m sorry… nagpahatid na dapat ako sa ‘yo sa bahay para nakauwi ka na agad at nakapagpahinga…”


“Okay lang.  Sabi mo nga, malapit na ito sa inyo.  I’ll drop you off when we’re done.  Uuwi na lang ako agad…”


Her face moved from my chest to my neck.  “You’re really that tired?  Pwede namang sa bahay ka magpahinga…”


But I didn’t hear her.  From the entrance and to the reserved table near it, I saw HER coming.  With her parents.  With ‘The Tax Collector’.  With HIS parents.  My throat tightened.


They were on their backs as they took a seat each.  He sat beside her; putting his arm at the backrest of her chair, uncaring of her parents’ watchful eyes.  He whispered something to her, kissing her hair a little and she laughed, patting his shoulder.


My whole body tensed.  She did that a lot to me, the face and shoulder pat thing when she’s being giddy.  It felt like heaven whenever I made her laugh.  I know I shouldn’t be feeling like this, but seeing her now with him… it’s killing me that I’m not the reason for her laughter anymore…


Looking at the direction where my eyes went, Little Miss Pudding pulled away from me, her whole body stiffening the instant she saw them.  She grabbed her drink almost frantically and emptied it in one go.  The waiter who served us attended our table and she asked for our bill, her foot tapping impatiently under our table until he came back.


“Tara na,” she took her purse and went ahead towards the door.  I stood up, plucking a few bills from my wallet and quickly followed her.


“Ate!  Andito rin pala kayo,” I didn’t expect Baby Girl will be the first to greet us.


Little Miss Pudding forced a smile, keeping her distance from the table, from everyone.  “Paalis na rin kami,”


“Tito, Tita…” I greeted her parents who both gave me a slight nod, then him.  “Bro,”


‘Musta, bro?” ‘The Tax Collector’ smiled at me, his arm sliding down possessively on Baby’s Girl’s waist that got me lifting an eyebrow.  Deliberate or not, I want to kick his Italian a** for once and tell him to stay away from her.


As if I have every right to…


“Nice to see you again, Tito, Tita…” mimicking me, Little Miss Pudding paid respects to her ex’s parents before pulling my arm and almost shoved me to the door.  “We’ll go ahead po…”




“I didn’t know he’d actually go for it… nililigawan niya na nga talaga siya,”


Just when I thought I’d enjoy the quiet while driving her home, Little Miss Pudding broke the silence between us.


“Sabagay… ganoon talaga ‘yon, eh.  Kapag nai-set ang isip sa isang bagay, hindi titigil ‘yon hanggat ‘di niya ‘yon naa-achieve.  Isa pa, he’s always been fond of her, kahit noong time na kami pa,”


My jaw clenched as I grasped the steering wheel tighter.  What suddenly ticked me off wasn’t her blabbing about her ex but the ‘he’s always been fond of her’ part, specifically.  I knew from the start the guy’s got a thing for Baby Girl, even before our first movie.


She shifted from her seatbelt and put her head on my shoulder.  “Hmm… baka nga sila na.  Kung ganyang kasama na nilang lumabas ang mga parents nila.  Okay lang naman sa ‘kin.  Kapag nakikita ko nga sila, kahit papaano nawawala ang guilt ko na pinili mo ako… they look happy.  Tulad natin.  Masaya rin tayo, ‘di ba?”


I sighed and smiled but kept my eyes on the road.  “Oo naman,”


Masaya ba ako?  I suddenly found asking myself.  She was right— I chose her.  I chose her over her friend who’s close to her as a sister.  I chose to spend time with her instead, be with her and love and take care of her.


All this time, this is what I made myself believe— that Little Miss Pudding and I are happy.  For a gazillion and a hundredth time I tried to convince myself I made the right choice, but deep down, I’ve been lying to myself.


I regret leaving and hurting her…


My Queen…


Seeing her now, with just that one moment our eyes met again, I realized it.  Time has passed— days, weeks, month, years… but her face, her smile; everything about her, have always been etched in my mind.  There she stays.  In my heart she’ll stay.  She will always be My Queen…


I straightened my back, steering my thoughts off of her at the same time.  I’m being such an a**.  Here I am with my new girl while I’m thinking of someone else who the whole world believed I’ve fallen out of love with.


“Hindi na ako bababa.  Send my regards to Tita,” I told her when we finally reached their house.


She pouted.  “Bakit hindi ikaw mismo ang bumati?  Sige na, and at least walk me to my room.  Please?”


I just shook my head and sighed.  Not when she begged like this.  Not with that seductive sweet voice.


It turned out her mother wasn’t home and went out shopping.  I walked her to her room like she wanted.


“Did you enjoy today?”


“Like always,” I smiled and gave her lips a quick peck.  “Gotta go, I—,”


I turned around but she grabbed the lapel of my shirt and pulled me, prolonging our kiss.  She giggled and pulled me in to her room, closing the door behind me.


“Stay the night… please?” she begged again in an above whisper and that’s all it took.


Every time seems like the first time we did it.  She made me feel I needed it; that I needed her.  And right at this moment, tulad din noong unang pagkakataon, I needed to forget…




The moon rose above us, shining through the glass wall over her small, soft body covered with nothing but her sheets.  Once again, she had me losing myself and had me spending the night with her when I tried and insisted to leave.


I sighed, removing the strands of hair that fell on her face as she sleeps.  In the beginning we both know what happened between us after that one night was a mistake.  We were together in an out of town tour and had one too many few drinks.  It’s the same ol’ ‘one thing led to another’ cliché.  She wanted us to forget what happened and she tried to avoid me.


But I was drawn to her.  I couldn’t stay away and so did she.  Kaya nasundan pa ng nasundan ang isang gabi na ‘yon…


Why did I choose her?  Why did I think I needed her more than I needed my Baby Girl?


“Bakit siya?” some reporter’s voice suddenly took over my memory while I stared at her.  I overheard them talking after my interview, when I made it known to the whole world that I want to court her.


“Ewan ko nga ba,” the other one answered.  “Ang akala ko okay na okay pa rin sila ni Popstariray… tapos biglang may kasamang iba sa bakasyon…”


The older reporter sighed.  “Well, we’re in showbiz, darling.  Alam mo ang kalakaran dito— palipat-lipat, papalit-palit lalo na ang mga bagets na in demand at promising.  Sana lang, in love nga siya talaga dito sa isa.  Hindi ‘yung pinili niya lang for instant gratification— if you know what I mean, at dahil magiging less complicated ang mga bagay para sa kanya…”


I held my head and combed my hair with my fingers. Those reporters were right…


We’ve been together for months now and it’s all thanks to her.  She loved me the best way she can.  Pero ako…


I know I cared for her, I chose to be with her— but have I ever loved her back the way I should?


Treading mindlessly into her bathroom, I grabbed a towel before switching her showers from warm to cold.  I have to hurry and leave before she wakes up.  It’s difficult for me to sort this out by myself right now; this agitating, confusing feeling I had ever since I saw Baby Girl at the dressing room.


“Mahal kita.  I love you…”


I want nothing and no one else in my life but you.  Only you.  Always…”


“At least you’ve been honest with me.  Goodbye, Angel…”


I let the water furiously hit my face as I tried to drown the thoughts.  Why now?  Why are these memories haunting me, making me feel that everything happened just yesterday?


“You’re nothing but a fool!  A big fool!”


Suddenly, there was my best friend’s voice ringing in my ears, the last thing I want to remember.


“You let go of a good woman— a very good woman for a… for a—!”


I could’ve punched him if he ever said the word but he didn’t.  He obviously held his temper well.


“Hindi ka talaga nag-iisip.  Your ex’s best friend?”


I sneered.  “We’re history!  Umiikot lang ang buhay.  Hindi na kami mga bata para ma-stuck sa nakaraan!”


We were all expecting that.  My involvement with Little Miss Pudding would create a rift between her and the best friend, my ex-flame.  In return their show’s ratings unimaginably skyrocketed.  People had the impression that their exchange of bi*ch-slapping scenes were so real and I wanted to believe I did them a favor.  I’m f—king flattered.


“Not only that,” he continued as if he didn’t hear me.  “They ARE friends.  Her so-called sister was your fiancée, for christssake!”  He shook his head.  “You used to think things through pero sa ginawa mong ito… I don’t know, bro.  Hindi na kita kilala…”


I couldn’t say anymore to that.  Up until now it isn’t the same between us.  He still is with me, protecting and supporting me but that’s just for our friendship, not for me personally…


He knew everything.  He knew what I’ve been through to win My Queen’s heart.  He vouched for her.  He carried her torch.  He was one of the very few people who knew we got engaged.  And he knew when things got heated up between me and Little Miss Pudding.  He was my voice of reason, saying I should cut it off with her and the sooner, the better.  But he didn’t see my decision coming…


I swallowed an imaginary lump in my throat.  Their voices were stuck in my head, haunting me.  They’re all right— I took the easier way out.  I gave up what I want most for what I think I needed now…


I went out of the bathroom, my thoughts messed up some more than they already had.  I picked my clothes on the floor and put them on before leaving her room quietly.


The drive home seemed longer than it was before.  I turned the radio on but turned it off as quickly when I heard one of her songs playing.


The ache in my head would pale in comparison with the throbbing pain in my heart. All it took was for us to see each other again, for me to look into those beautiful bright eyes again and it all came back.  Those eyes revealed me my soul.  It took me a while to face the truth but I admit it now.  I’m an idiot, I’m a coward. 


My Queen… she was my answered prayer.  No, she was more than I wished for, much more than I prayed for.  She’s my lifelong dream.  The night I proposed to her was the moment that dream became a reality.  It was the start of a new phase in my life, our lives.  Knowing she’s by my side, I could take on anything.  With her beside me, I am king.  I promised her I will always be with her, be there for her; spend every waking moment with her.  I wanted to be by her side to watch over her as she grows more and more beautiful before my eyes.


She was mine.  I wanted to dedicate my whole life loving her, protecting her; making her happy… together we will make our dreams come true…


But I ruined it.  The king that I was in our fairy tale turned up to be a villain destroying everything…


I blew my horn furiously when someone tried to overtake me on the road.  Seriously, if someone wants to mess up with me right now that I’m all f—ked up, it wouldn’t be pretty.


“Kuya!  You’re… late,” I ignored Baby Brother when I arrived home and went straight to my bedroom.  He sure got the picture; I want to be left alone.


I fell on my bed face down.  When I closed my eyes, it’s My Queen’s smiling face earlier that I see.


“Damn it,” I lied down on my back and pressed my forehead.  Thoughts of her will keep me all night again, taking me back to those wonderful but bittersweet memories I shared with her.


Those moments when all I could do was to steal glances from afar while on shoot.


Our moments of laughter and banter behind the scenes…


The songs, shows and performances we shared where we had a lot of fun together.


Lunch outs, dinners… exchanges of messages; and the day I felt I want to be more than just her friend.


The day when I told her I like her and I like to court her,


The day I started we were both nervous I could cry.


The moment when she sang to me on her birthday concert…


The day I first say goodbye to her…


That stormy night she became mine.


Those times she sang to me over the phone whenever we’re not together,


Her smile, her voice, her scent; her touch, her kiss… everything about her.


The night I proposed to her and she said yes I felt like king of the world;


And the day I became I total suck up when I left her…


I covered my face with my arm, as if it could stop my tears from flowing.  No matter how I tried to justify my actions, hurting her will never be right.  Leaving her was never the right decision.


Now there’s someone new in her life as well; someone who makes her happy.  And people see me as a guy so in love I’m not sure how long I could keep them believing that.


“My Queen…” I murmured under my breath.  If I could, I would make things right; if I could, I’ll trade everything I have to turn back time; to get us back where we’re meant to be; to our rightful place— in each other’s arms…


But I know it’s too late.  Now it’s just too late…



Disclaimer:  This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents either are products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Was it all just a bad dream?


I breathed as if it was my first.  In a slow, painstaking move, I raised my head and opened my eyes.  They hurt.  I might have been crying in my sleep but finally, I woke up from what seemed a very long slumber.


Was it all just a bad dream?


It wasn’t.  It wasn’t a dream at all.  My Angel… he left me.  He flew away from me and he’s never coming back…


I got up, blinking a few times.  I can’t see anything.  Why am I still in this darkness?  I know I’ve been here before… or perhaps I’ve always been here and didn’t get out; couldn’t get out; or maybe I chose not to get out.


“I love you so much, My Queen. And I promise you I will love and cherish you forever…”


I held back my tears as memories flashed through my mind.  He left me alone in this darkness crying, lost, heartbroken…


“Goodbye, Baby Girl…”


I shook my head.  Why am I hearing his voice as if it was just yesterday?  I don’t want to dwell on that again.  Not again, ever.  Not anymore…


I looked around and all that has hovered around me is pitch black.  I got up and knelt down.  I closed my eyes again hoping that when I open them I’ll find a path to guide me away from this place.


“Please take me away from here.  I don’t want to cry anymore.  I don’t want to bear this kind of pain anymore…” I prayed, barely hearing my own voice.  I can’t hear anything; no sound at all; there’s just bleak and numbing nothingness.  I couldn’t help it; my tears began falling.  I really want to get out but… how?




I gasped.  Did someone call my name?




Slowly, I opened my eyes.  I saw a flickering light and it was drawing closer and closer to me.


I tried to stand up but I couldn’t.  I heard footstep heading towards me as the light approached me.  My Angel, is it him?  No.  It can’t be… I know he’s not coming back to me.




That gentle voice called my name again.  I lifted my head and there he was standing a few footsteps away from me.  He walked towards me and that flicker of light suddenly exploded, so bright that it’s almost blinding. I tried to cover my face but I want to see him.  I want to know who he is.


“Come,” he said as he offered his hand to me.  I just looked at it dumbfounded.  Who is he?


As if hearing my thoughts, he laughed— the kind of laugh that is almost musical, mild and pleasing to the ears.


He held my shoulders and helped me stand up.  Gently, he placed his hands on my face.  His fingers trailed on my cheeks, wiping away my tears.


“Stop crying, Asher.  I’m here now…”


I gasped.  What does he mean by that?


“Let’s go.  You’ve been here for far too long,”


“Who… who are you?”  I asked looking up at him.   As if in a slow motion, the bright clouds parted and his face became clearer and clearer to me.


I stared at him wide-eyed.  He was looking at me with fondness in his eyes and his hand was gentle and warm when he clasped mine.  He guided me as we tread away from that vast coldness.


“Where are we going?”  I asked again.


“You’ll see,” he answered, his eyes never leaving my face.  I should be worried but it’s strange that when he said that, I never felt a doubt in my chest.


He held my hand tighter and gave me a smile that reached his beautiful eyes.  I held my breath for a while. I realized it was him and his smile that changed this darkness into bright morning.


…will he be able to change the beat of my heart, too?

It’s been a while…

i miss you...

Hello, lovely readers, it’s been a looong time!  I miss you all.  🙂  I know, and I apologize for being MIA for quite a while.  Life and its realities, really… work and some countless personal reasons.  Yes I’m still working on the next chapter; honestly I’m really having a hard time writing ‘his’ side of the story.  But hopefully by the end of the month I’ll be able to post something and be able to finish my last chapters. (and maybe soon work on a second season or another story) 🙂

Thank you so much for bearing with me and for so much love and appreciation for what I’ve written so far.  🙂  Forever’s not enough to thank you so.  😀

Till next!


“I promise you I will love and cherish you forever… I will protect you with my life. I promise…”

pinky promise

The sun was pushing its way through the gray clouds making the weather better than the last few days.  I filled my lungs with the cool air as I stepped outside our garden carrying my paint palette and an empty canvas.  I usually stay at my mini studio whenever I’m able to give time for the artist in me. But today is too fine a day not to go out even just outside our door.  Thank God for this rest day.  This is one of those when I can spend all morning and afternoon at home. It is calm, peaceful… too peaceful that it’s actually… strange.


My phone pinged and excitement filled me as I took it out from my smock’s pocket.  I groaned in frustration when I read the text message which I thought was from him.


We haven’t seen each other for more than a week since the Christmas Special.  I miss him.  We’ve been so busy that we barely talked to each other since then.


I sighed and put my phone back in my pocket.  I might as well make myself busy.  I looked around our garden. Mom has been growing flowers and it’s the first time I noticed how beautiful they’ve grown. There were hanging plants and the orchids are in pretty white and rich purple.  Combination of yellow and maroon marigolds grew on each side of the driveway and the flowerbeds near the entrance were in lush red and pink, combination of roses and carnation.  How I wish we could grow tulips too.


I lifted my paint palette and chose a paintbrush. I stopped even before the first stroke when My Angel’s car drove by and parked beside the house. I took my smock off and ran to the entrance.


“Hey,” I greeted him smiling, wondering at the same time if he’s feeling the same way, if he missed me too.  Wala naman kasi kaming usapan na magkikita.  “Akala ko nasa taping ka ngayon,”


He didn’t answer and followed me when I walked back to the garden. When I turned around I found his brooding eyes intently staring at me.


“What brings you here? Miss mo na rin ako, ‘no?” I asked while touching his face. He closed his eyes.  Other times he’d hold my hand holding his face and kiss it, or pull me for a long embrace. But I felt him stiffen.  He stood there like a statue, his face bleak of any emotion.


“I won’t take long. May… kailangan lang akong sabihin sa ‘yo,”


My eyebrows curled at his tone. “Ano ‘yon?”


He swallowed a few times. His fists were clenching on his sides and his eyes suddenly can’t focus on me.


“I’m sorry. I thought this would work pero hindi pala.”


It took a few seconds for my brain to register what he just said. “W—what?”  What’s not working?  Maybe my ears are.


“I’m…” He took a deep breath and looked away. “I can’t be with you anymore…”


“I… I don’t think I understand…”


Finally, he tried to look at me. “This isn’t about you. This is all on me. You see, things aren’t the way they were before.” he closed his eyes tightly and held his nape. “I couldn’t think of an easier way to say this pero—,”


I laughed.  I tried to humor everything even though panic and disbelief suddenly filled my chest.  “Ikaw, ha?  Nangti-trip ka na naman.  What is it this time—,”


“There’s someone else!”


I gasped aloud.  For seconds, I found it hard to breathe.  His voice was loud and clear that I can’t pretend I didn’t hear it even if I want to.


This can’t be true…


There was silence that took forever until my paintbrush broke it.  I didn’t even feel it fell from my hand.  He was the first to speak.


“That night I… I tried to bring back the love…” staring at the ground, he shook his head weakly.  “But I can’t lie to you anymore.  I’m so sorry…”


I blinked a few times hoping he’d disappear from my eyes.  I missed him so much that maybe I’m just daydreaming that he’s here.  Or I must have been really dreaming.  That’s it!  This is one of those dreams I’m having whenever I miss him.  Panaginip lang ang lahat ng ‘to. This is one terrible nightmare.  This isn’t real.  This couldn’t be…


“Why are you doing this?” after a light-year of deafening silence I finally found my words.  I couldn’t even hear my own voice.  “Tell me… ano’ng problema?  May nagawa ba ako?  Sila ba?  Sinabihan ka na naman ba nila?  Please, sabihin mo sa akin—,” I tried to reach for his arm but he stepped back.  He doesn’t even want me to touch him as if I have some kind of a skin disease.    I’d rather he thrust a dagger onto my heart.  Perhaps that’ll be less painful…


My heart pounded violently against my chest.  I covered my mouth and tried to suppress my cries.  It’s happening again… it’s happening to me again. 


There’s someone else!  There’s someone else!


His voice echoed inside my head.  My knees felt weak.  My whole body went numb.  I slowly sat down and closed my eyes.  After a few seconds I opened them again.  I looked around.


Suddenly the flowers lost their colors.


Suddenly those dark clouds seem to gather all around me.


Suddenly everything’s in a haze… and this bad, painful dream is nothing less but my reality…


“I have to go.” His voice was low and hoarse when he spoke that I could barely hear him.


“Goodbye, Baby Girl…”


I smiled poignantly at the endearment.  He made me hear it for the last time…


“Thank you,” I answered in an above whisper.  He stopped on his tracks and slowly turned around.


“At least you’ve been honest with me.” I bit my lip trying to hold back my tears.  “Goodbye, Angel.”


He drew his breath, his jaw clenching that I could almost hear it.  Then he walked towards me and bowed, kissing my forehead.  “Take care of yourself.”


I watched him as he walked away, away from my life forever.


Minutes had passed but I was still staring at the entrance.  In my heart of hearts I wished he’d come back running into my arms taking back what he said.  But that didn’t happen.  And my tears… they were unstoppable. They fell the moment he stepped out of our door.


My Angel… Why?  How?  Who…?  I’m confused; dumbfounded… everything’s in a blur.  I don’t want to believe him.  Something’s not right.  We were so happy.  But maybe that was it.  When we were together after the Christmas Special we were so happy that it was too good to be true.  Totoo pala na kapag sobrang naging masaya, may malungkot namang mangyayari sa susunod.


Once again, my heart is filled with so many questions.  Why is this happening?  And why now?  Should I run after him?  Ask him more questions?  What should I do?


I need more answers.  I need explanations.  Then I remembered what I saw that night during the Christmas Special.  Maybe what he said was enough explanation for me… I think I already know who that ‘someone else’ is.


“I tried to bring back the love… but I can’t lie to you anymore…”


Unthinkingly, I went back to my room.  I walked to my study table and opened the drawer.  My hand trembled as I took the tiny velvet box.  I inhaled with difficulty as I opened it and put the ruby ring on my left ring finger.  I continued to sob.  If only these tears would bring him back he should be here by now holding me in his arms.  But they won’t.  He will never come back.


That night was one of the happiest moments of my life, of our lives.  We flew away.  We danced and laughed and held each other like there’s no tomorrow.  What made it more perfect?  He offered me his love and his whole life.  He asked me if I could spend the rest of my life with him…



Where are you?

Nandito na ako sa labas…


I bit my lip and pressed send.  Hindi na siguro niya ako nahintay.  It took me a while to tidy my things up dahil ang dami namin sa dressing room.  It became a jungle earlier.  Kung nagbihis pa siguro ako, lalo lang akong matatagalan.


I’m still wearing my gown.  He told me not to take it off for some reason he wouldn’t tell me.  I keep wondering what he’s up to again but I obeyed him nevertheless.  I don’t know if we’re going somewhere.  Basta ang sabi lang niya, susunduin niya ako.


Before going outside, I put on my overcoat and slipped on my pink Chucks to give my feet some rest from my tower-high pumps and platforms.  I guess no one would even notice unless I lift the hem of my gown.  And since halos wala naman nang tao sa parking area, I did just that.


I walked and looked around again.  I couldn’t find his car.  When I asked the security guard, he said he left with his crew half an hour ago.  I groaned inwardly.  I checked my phone and found no reply from him at all.  He could have called or sent me a message kung talagang nauna na siya.


Sitting on one of the staircases I made myself busy typing him another text message.  Maybe he went home first or dropped off someone and encountered traffic.  A motorcycle suddenly came out from nowhere and stopped in front of me.  The piece of black and silver-combined metal was such a beauty, huge and very manly; flawless as expected in a Ducati.  I wonder who among the big bosses owns it.  It makes me want to think of buying Dad or my brother or him something similar one day.


My eyes went back to my phone and before I pressed send it went dead.


“Seriously?!” I grunted and covered my face.  Sa lahat naman ng oras, bakit ngayon pa ‘to nag-battery empty?  I groaned inwardly.  It’s my fault.  I’ve been so busy preparing I forgot it needed charging.


“Need a ride, Miss?”


I raised my head when the rider of the Ducati spoke.  His voice was so deep, masculine but gentle and very familiar, too familiar that my heart started beating rapidly.


He took time taking off his helmet.  My Angel!  He was gazing over me, his eyes smiling as he reached out his hand.


“Umiiyak ka na yata diyan,” He helped me stand up and pulled me right into his arms.


I sighed in relief as I embraced him.  “Akala ko hindi mo na ako nahintay…”

“Pwede ba ‘yon?  Kanina ko pa gustong gawin ‘to…” he whispered on my hair, his lips slightly touching my upper neck.  He let go and stole a quick kiss from my lips.  He handed me another helmet which I noticed for the first time.  I instinctively took it from his hands.


“Gear up, My Queen.  Be ready for a long ride,”


My eyes widened as I stared at the big bike for a while.  “Are you serious?! ‘Yan ang sasakyan natin?”


He grinned and didn’t answer.


“Why do you like to torture me?” I looked at myself.  “Pasasakayin mo ako na ganito ang suot ko?”


“That’s the idea,” He chuckled and took the helmet from my hand.  He carefully put it on me.  “You’re overly cute, Baby Girl,”


I rolled my eyes and looked at myself at the side mirror.  The helmet’s pink, the same color as my Chucks.  I turned around and found him staring at me, his eyes never leaving my face.


“What are you really up to, Mister?” I asked, raising an eyebrow.


He didn’t answer and straddled the huge bike.  I sat in astride on his back and put my tote bag in front of me. I clutched his shoulder not so gently when I almost fell as he drove and we went away from the building.


Laughing, he turned around and looked at me. “Hold on tight, Love.  Never let me go.”


“I won’t. Promise,” I answered and put my arms around his waist.


We rode into the night, the cold breeze hitting against us as we headed out of the city.  I smiled on his back.  I feel like we’re a modern-day Lady and Knight who rode and escaped from everyone in this wee hour of the evening.  It’s kind of romantic, and thrilling.


My arms around him tightened.  I can feel his muscles ripping underneath his leather jacket.  I closed my eyes and leaned my head on his broad, sinewy back, drawing warmth from it.  After a long night I wouldn’t wish for anything more but this, being with him… being safe in his arms.


It’s been a long day for me, for all of us.  General rehearsals started so early and have been excruciating but we’re all glad the Christmas Special went so well.  All our efforts paid off.  And I’m still ecstatic that I got to sing with music icons, two of my idols and with one of my closest friends.


Earlier during practice I made a few common mistakes though I already know the songs by heart and the arrangements.  I want to blame it on my jetlag or the hangover from my Brazil trip kaya hindi ako makapag-focus, pero isa lang naman talaga ang dahilan kung bakit lumilipad ang isip ko kanina pa.


My mind is filled with him… his effect on me every time he’s near; his smoldering eyes, his sweet and soft lips, his warm embrace, his lingering kisses… his body against mine.  The way he holds me, the way he touches me… the sweet torture he gave me when we almost… almost made love.


Yes, I still can’t get over with what happened in my dressing room.  That enchanted moment where time stood still and we forgot everything, everyone— time and the world around us; and all that’s left is our deep longing and need for each other…


I missed him.  It’s only been a few days but I was dying to see him again.  When he took me home that night he couldn’t stay longer.  I missed talking to him. Tonight as usual, we were contented exchanging smiles every time we passed by each other.


Before our closing number we crossed paths at the corridor.  His eyes were smiling when he looked at me as if telling me how proud he was watching my last performance.   I bowed and avoided his gaze but I was sure he caught me smiling.


When I reached the dressing room I turned around to look at him before I closed the door.  There I saw him talking with Ate.  He was gazing down fondly at her while Ate was laughing gaily.  My brows curled.  I wonder what they’re talking about.  Is it about me, probably?


He said something that made Ate stopped laughing.  Her face turned serious but she was still intently staring at him.  She held his arm longer than necessary, and her hand gently caressed his biceps as she pouted her pretty lips.


My eyebrows rose at that.  For the first time I didn’t get jealous like whenever he’s with other girls.  More of uncomfortable… I felt very uncomfortable seeing that…


Ate left him and he watched her as she strutted off, her hips sashaying as if they would detach.  Then he left and went back to his dressing room when she was gone.


I wonder where the sudden tightening of my chest came from.  What was that just now?  Am I just seeing things or—


Hindi, I said to myself and shook my head.  Hindi dapat ako nag-iisip ng ganito pero… babae din kasi ako.  That look on Ate’s face when she looked at him… when did it change?


“Oh!” I opened my eyes when the bike wobbled a bit.  That interrupted my thoughts.  Strange, nakalimutan ko na ‘yon after our show.  Bakit ba naalala ko na naman?



“Sorry.  ’You okay?” he asked and started to slow down.  I nodded as if he could see me.


“Saan ba talaga tayo pupunta?” I shouted on his ear.  It’s been almost an hour.  I’m not sure but I think we’re heading to Angeles City.


“Malapit na tayo.  You’ll see.”


He drove a few kilometers more.  To my surprise, we entered an airfield.  My heart skipped a bit.  The excitement I felt was instantaneous.


“We’re here, Love,” He assisted me as I painstakingly got off the big bike.  He helped me took my helmet off before unzipping his leather jacket.  I found he still has the blue suit under, the one he wore earlier during their production number.


A pilot welcomed us and introduced himself as our pilot for the night.  We shook hands with him and I noticed the obvious admiration on his face.  He said his daughters love me and how he wished he could take pictures of us.  I told him that maybe one Sunday they could visit my show.


He led us to the hangar and went ahead to one of the helicopters.  My heart started beating double time as we followed.  After briefing us shortly he accompanied us to our seats and made sure we’d follow all the safety measures.


“Oh, Lord,” I clutched Angel’s arm as the helicopter started lifting off the ground, higher and higher until we’re cloud-level.


“Are you alright?” he looked at me and grinned.  “’Di ba gusto mong sumakay tayo sa helicopter?”


“Oo nga, pero… kasi…” I have no words.  This is too wonderful.  He IS too wonderful…


“Are you scared?  May fear of heights ka ba?” he asked a little worried.


I shook my head.  “I’m… I’m just overwhelmed.” I gave his lips a quick peck.  “Thank you…”


“Woah, Babe.  Easy,” he moved away a little, astounded.  He held his headset and pointed mine.  “The pilot can hear us.  Later, okay?”


He laughed aloud.  I gently hit his shoulder.  My face turned red for sure. 


We flew for an hour hovering all over the city and the whole town.  I left the country just recently and though long I enjoyed the plane ride.  Pero iba pala ang saya kapag ganito.  It doesn’t matter really where he takes me, or how long or short we spend time together… basta siya ang kasama ko, I’m happy; very happy.


We landed at a condo building’s helipad in Makati.  He offered his hand to me as we got off the chopper, his eyes gleaming with happiness and love.  “How was it, Love?  Nag-enjoy ka ba?”


I nodded and pulled off a smile while I gave my hand to him.  “It was exhilarating… and really wonderful— ay!” He suddenly pulled me for an embrace and buried his face on my hair.


“Now I know how it feels like to be in heaven,” he whispered and kissed my neck.


Our pilot was smiling while watching us.  We said our thanks and as a reply he saluted at us before heading back to the Flying Club.


“Bakit dito niya tayo inihatid?  At paano ‘yung bike mo?”


I just borrowed that from a friend.  At tagaroon siya kaya siya na lang daw ang kukuha ng bike niya.  At ang pilot natin kanina, kaibigan niya ‘yon.”


“I see.  But how did you know that place, by the way?  Ang alam ko sa mga ganoon, members lang ang may access, ang may luxury pass…”


He shrugged.  “One of the senior officers there is Dad’s long-time friend.  Alam mo na, connections,” he grinned and winked at me.  I nodded and laughed.


“Hindi mo pa sinasagot ang unang tanong ko… what are we doing here?”


He gazed at me for a while. “Are you ready for the second surprise, My Queen?”


I looked at him suspiciously.  “Hmm… what are you up to this time, Mister?”


He didn’t answer and pulled my hand.  We occupied one of the elevators and went four floors down.  We turned to a room on our left as soon as we went out.  He took out a card key from his wallet.  “I bought a unit here, Love,”


“Ah, Talaga?  I didn’t know you have plans of moving.”


“Wala pa naman.  Naisip ko lang na habang ipinapatayo ko ang dream house ko, dito muna kami ng mapapangasawa ko.” His stare was so full of meaning.  “Sort of a wedding gift for her, too.”


I… I see,” I felt nervous all of a sudden.  And I really wasn’t paying attention to what he was saying.  Ano ang ‘second surprise’ niya?  Kaming dalawa…?  Dito…?


“Close your eyes,” he commanded gently, disrupting my wayward thoughts.  “Don’t peek, okay?”


I nodded and do as he said.


He opened the door and pulled both my hands as he stepped in.  “Now… open them.”


I slowly opened my eyes only to gasp aloud.


The whole unit was vacant and I was expecting it to be empty, all walls and floors.  Pero hindi ganoon.  In the middle was a table for two, dinner with candlelight and wine.  The white tiled floor was almost filled with flower petals and colorful little candles just like the ones he gave me as a gift months ago.


I covered my face with my hands.  And here I thought that the helicopter ride was perfect.  It could have been enough.  Pero may ganito pa pala?  I can’t complain.  He really makes me feel like a queen.


“A—ano’ng meron?  How did you… at paanong…” Lord, I’m lost for words again.  I sat comfortably when he pulled a seat for me.


“I just want us to have our own Christmas Special.” He grinned.  “I asked my boys to help me out.  Hindi mo ba nagustuhan?”


“Are you kidding?  I really love it!”


“I’m glad,” he chuckled while he took his coat off.  He put his phone on the table and played a song.  The Righteous Brothers’ voices suddenly filled the air, singing one of my all-time favorite songs.


“Unchained Melody?”  I asked when he walked back towards me.  He reached for my hand.  His other hand went on my waist when I stood up and we started dancing.


His smile was wide.  “One of my many songs for you,”


“But that song is so sad…”


“Not for me…” he turned me around before dipping me.  I shrieked when he pulled me back and lifted me inches from the ground, spinning me round and round.


“Hey, mabigat ako!” I exclaimed and that made him stop.  He put my arms on his shoulders and pulled me closer, whispering to my ear.


“I can carry you all day, Love…”


We held each other silently for minutes that we weren’t really dancing at all.  His lips were on my ear as he sang along to the song.  I smiled.  In fairness, nasa tono naman siya minsan.


The song ended and I thought he’d let me sit.  My eyes widened when my version of the same song played next.


“What?  I really loved it.” he said as if answering the question in my eyes.  I could feel my cheeks turning red.  “I have a copy of all the songs you sang in your show.  Bakit ka pa ba nagugulat?”


 “Thank you sa appreciation mo sa mga songs ko… sa performances ko.”


“Sinabi ko naman sa ‘yo, ‘di ba?  I’ll always be your number one fan.”


I smiled, treasuring his words in my heart.  He kissed my hair as I leaned my head on his chest.


“Naalala mo ba ang pinag-usapan natin bago ka umalis?” His arms around me tightened as he spoke.


“Hmm… alin doon?”


He sighed and released me.  As he was removing the long locks covering my face he looked straight into my eyes.  “Sabi mo kasi sa akin, mag-propose muna ako bago ako mamanhikan.”


I was about to say something when he suddenly knelt down and took a tiny velvet box out from his pocket.  Oh, God!  So this is the highlight of the night!


My heart started beating fast as I watched him opening the box carefully.  The ruby ring reflected the light from the candles and it was breathtakingly beautiful; as beautiful and breathtaking as the man carrying it.


“Baby Girl… My Queen…”


He cleared his throat a few times.  His hands were trembling and it was cold but he’s sweating.  And I don’t know whether to laugh or cry.


“Damn it,” he scratched his head, cursing himself at the same time.  “Nakalimutan ko ang sasabihin ko!  Ilang beses na ako nag-practice!”


I laughed and walked closer to him.  He held my hand and put the ring on my left ring finger.


My sun shines and sets on you, Love.  I love you, deeply, irrevocably; with all I am, with all I’ll be…”


He stood up and put my hand on his chest, his eyes begging when he looked at me.  “Kasabay ng pagtanggap mo ng singsing na ‘to, would you accept me as well as your man, your best friend, your fan, lover and soon… your husband?  Please… yes or yes lang ang pwedeng sagot…”


“Yes or yes lang?” I chuckled, mimicking him.  Oh, Lord, what am I going to say?  Speechless is an understatement.  And I love him too, indescribably, unconditionally…


I looked at him as tears stung my eyes.  I nodded slowly.  “Of course, Love… I want nothing and no one else in my life but you.  Only you.  Always…”


He beamed and embraced me, so tight it almost crushed my bones.  I screamed when he lifted me and swirled me again and again.


“Thank you!  Thank you, My Queen!” he put me down and held my face with both hands.  “I love you so much.  And I promise you I will love and cherish you forever… I will protect you with my life.  I promise…”


He sealed his promise with a kiss.  His lips on mine were yearning, passionate… so full of love.  It was a kiss that I longed for, a kiss I can no longer live without; but now I have to forget.  He was gone.  He broke his promises. They will never come about.


“Sinabi ko sa sarili ko na baka ikaw na ang babae para sa akin… ngayon sigurado ako na ikaw na nga…”

“…I have the rest of my life to prove to you, to them that I’m the only man for you… that you can believe.”

“…you’re my NOW and my future.  Please, trust me on this, Baby Girl.”

“Gusto kong maging karapat-dapat para sa ‘yo.  I want to give you the whole world, My Queen…”


I smiled at his wonderful words, our beautiful, bittersweet memories.  I can already picture my future with him.  But now I realized memories are all I’ll be taking there with me.


“…one with a huge rock on it, and the other, I’ll give you… together with my last name.”


Wiping my tears, I took off the ring and put the tiny box back in my drawer.  I curled up at the edge of my bed, hoping that before the day ends, all my tears have gone dry.


“I promise you I will love and cherish you forever… I will protect you with my life.  I promise…”


Forever… since he came into my life I knew a deeper meaning of that word.  Together I thought we’re going to make our dreams come true… together we will build them.  But all of a sudden that FOREVER we’ve been trying to build came crumbling down— and here I am standing; staying by the ruins…



Disclaimer:  This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents either are products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.


A/N:  Dear readers, long time long time!  🙂  Sorry I’ve been away for a long while… away but not gone.  😉  This is the first part of my three-part finale.  Thank you again in advance for reading this!    Again, If you wish to copy/share/post this on your FB/ blog, just don’t forget to leave credit where it’s due.     Thank you!  🙂

~JK  ♥