So Many Questions (Part 1)

“The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure.  Who can understand it?”

 

I covered my face with my pillow.  “Lord naman, e.”  I whispered and can’t help but smile.  God really has a sense of humor sometimes.  “I’m looking for an answer pero ‘yung ibinigay Niyo namang sagot sa ‘kin, tanong din…”

 

I tossed and turned on my bed. I am at war with myself.  This morning, I had a heart to heart talk with one of my BFF’s.  Since we tell each other secrets and I trust her, I told her the real score between him and me, even though I know she thinks differently unlike my other friends— she doesn’t really like him for me.

 

“Pero kung masaya ka naman,” she shrugged.  “I don’t have a say in this.  But girl… pag-isipan mong mabuti.  How do you think your parents would take it?  Wouldn’t that be going against their wishes and your promise na maging magkaibigan na lang kayo? ‘Nagpaalam’ na sa inyo ‘yung tao, tapos malalaman na lang nila bigla na kayo na?”  She looked around at the coffee shop, suspicious that someone else might hear us.  “Oh, well… if you really love him, kakayanin mo naman ‘di ba?  Maiintindihan din naman siguro nila…”

 

Since then my mind was filled with questions.  Tama nga ba ang naging desisyon namin?  Was it the right decision I followed my heart this time?

 

Should I ask for signs if he’s really the right man for me?  Or like what was supposed to happen, should I let him go and leave everything to time and fate, dahil kung kami talaga ang para sa isa’t-isa, kami pa rin talaga sa huli?  Isn’t it much more of a torture when you know you love each other but you can’t be together— that you’re so near and yet so far from each other?

 

As of now, I still don’t know how to handle these things.  Somehow for me it’s a learning process.  This is all new to me and is TOTALLY different than what I had before.  What if things don’t work out?  What if we’re just pushing things that are really not meant to be?

 

Sabi ni Mama, I shouldn’t follow my heart all the time dahil masasaktan lang ako kapag ginawa ko iyon… then again one of my sisters in showbiz always reminds me that the brain was put above the heart not to dominate it, but to guide it.  Pero paano nga ba dapat?  Heart usage:  60%, Mind:  40%, ganoon ba?  O 70%-30% kaya… or 90%-10%?

 

How would I really know if it’s my mind and not my heart I’m following?  Is it really giving up my own happiness kung ang isip ko ang susundin ko?  Would I really hurt the people around me if I obey my heart?  If they love me and they want me to be happy, wouldn’t they understand?  And how would I ignore what my heart tells me, kung kapareho rin ng laman nito ang laman ng isip ko— siya at siya lang?

 

“Listen to what your heart tells you at huwag kung kani-kanino ka nakikinig,” said a great man who I look up to, one of the best performers in the country who I treated as an older brother/father in the business.  “Going after your own happiness is not selfishness.  It’s better if you take the chance than be in tears and full of regrets in the end because you didn’t even try.  Just go for it!”

 

Sino ba ang tama?  Sino ang susundin ko?  Mas maganda nga yata if I don’t listen to anyone else at all.  Mas lalo lang akong nalilito!

 

A few hours ago, we had a conversation through FT.  He was so thrilled telling me stories how he spent quality time with his dad and his brother and how exciting it was to see the pyramids up close.  He paused when he noticed I wasn’t listening.

 

“Hey… everything okay?”

 

I just nodded.  “I’m sorry.  May naisip lang kasi ako bigla.”  I smiled and encouraged him to continue.  “Ano na nga ulit ‘yon?”

 

He looked at me suspiciously.  “Let me guess… hindi mo pa rin nasabi sa kanila, ano?”

 

He knew.  I think by now he knows me well enough to know something’s bothering me, even when we’re millions of miles apart at sa ganitong paraan lang kami nagkakausap.  “Hindi pa… naghihintay pa ako ng tamang tiyempo…”

 

I promised him that I will talk first to my parents bago kami humarap na magkasama pag-uwi niya.  But for some reason I can’t tell them yet.

 

I saw him nodding but in his face was disappointment.  “I see…”

 

“Sa tingin mo ba…?”  I tried asking after a long pause but didn’t continue.  “Nevermind.”

 

“What is it?”

 

I shrugged and turned my gaze away from him.  “Naisip ko lang kasi… hindi kaya… nabigla lang tayo?  Don’t you think… we’re rushing into things?”

 

He sighed heavily.  “Akala ko ba napag-usapan na natin ‘to?”

 

“I know but…” I bit my lip.  I really want to tell him how I feel and be honest with him.  “I think we still need more time… we both need some time to—,”

 

“Ano ba ang inaalala mo?  Haharap naman tayo na magkasama, ‘di ba?”  He suddenly stood up and held his nape in frustration.  Then he looked at me.  “Or are you still having doubts about me after all?”  He said in a pained voice.

 

I shook my head violently.  “No… hindi ‘yon, hindi sa gano’n.  I just… I still have a lot of things I must figure out on my own and it’s not easy, this thing about my parents…”

 

He nodded a few times and avoided looking at me.  Sighing deeply, he ended our talk.  “Let’s talk some other time.  I think I need to take a walk.”  That and he signed off.

 

I really can’t blame him kung magtampo siya sa akin.  Kasalanan ko naman talaga kasi, kaya lang I can’t take his temper sometimes.  Minsan naman hindi ko kinakaya kapag tatahimik na lang siya bigla and wouldn’t speak to me at all.  Should I send him a message?  Should I be the first one to call?

 

Putting another pillow under my head, I flipped through the pages of my bible again.  My eyes caught another verse highlighted with my pink marker:  “Keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you.”

 

Isn’t it just awesome how He reminds his children of His promises?  My very present help in time of need, indeed.  Tama… Siguro nga, it’s okay if I’m left with so many questions. I know for sure I’ll find the answers eventually.  I don’t have to rush things and be impatient.  I may not understand some things but everything happens for a reason and everything is in His hands.  I just have to trust in His perfect will and timing.

 

After saying a short prayer, I turned off the lights in my room but left the table lamp turned on.  Beside it was the clock he gave me telling me that it’s eleven past ten and that I really have to sleep.  I took one last look at my phone under my pillow and controlled myself from throwing it away.  No message from him at all.

 

I decided to turn it off.  He sends me SMS even when it’s late at night and even when he knows I’d already be sleeping.  I got used to seeing his messages every morning when I wake up.  Maybe by tomorrow he’d cool down and talk to me again.

 

~~~~~

 

“Why are women so fickle?!”

 

I threw the empty beer can a few inches far from the waste bin.  I groaned.  What the hell just happened, MVP?!  Missed?!  I irritably picked it up and placed it in.  This is all her fault!

 

“You bet they are.”  That’s when my father entered, still in his uniform and looking exhausted.    “They’re pain in the ass most of the time.”

 

He just came from duty outside Cairo.  I would want him to rest but at times like these, hindi siya papayag.  Since my brother and I arrived he sees to it that he spends time to bond with us as much as he can.  Like right now, he’d join me for sure.  Isa pa, we weren’t able to do this before when I was younger— have a drink together.

 

Walking to the fridge, he grabbed two beer cans and handed one to me before taking the settee.  “Where’s your brother?”

 

“Out to shop; I told him to buy some stuff for mom…”

 

He nodded and took a glance at my iPad on the table. “Oh, I see… had an argument with the Special Girl?”

 

I shook my head and took a sip from my can.  “I just don’t get her, dad.  I don’t know, I just…” I shrugged and continued.  “We finally agreed on something then at the last minute she’ll take it back.” 

 

“I feel you…”

 

“She said there are a lot of things she’d still want to figure out on her own but…”  I sighed heavily and stroked my hair.  “Ah, she’s driving me crazy!”

 

Dad laughed and shook his head. Suddenly his attention was on my iPad again.  He stared at my screensaver, my set of photos of her and our photos together.  “She’s very beautiful.  Reminds me of your mother when she was young…”

 

He smiled wistfully.  If I tell mom about this she would roll her eyes at me.  She might not want any conversation about him but I know she knows my dad still loves her.

 

“Tell me more about her…”

 

“Well…”  Her smiling face instantly filled my mind.  Dapat nagtatampo ako sa kanya… but why am I missing her?  Missing her so bad…

 

“She’s a superstar but a very simple girl.  With great talents but really down to earth… truly one of a kind…”

 

“She brings out the best— and the worst in me… she confuses me every single time.  There are times when she’s really sweet but there are also days when she’s really cold…”

 

“She’s complicated but so easy to please… unlike other girls she’s so appreciative of everything I do for her… she smiles at the little things and always sees the good in people,” before I knew it, I was smiling like a love-struck teenager.

 

“She loves her family more than anything in the world; more than she loves her self… She fascinates me to no end and she’s just… amazingly… beautiful…”

 

My father laughed aloud.  “And you, my boy, are whipped— smitten hard and good.”

 

I scratched my head in embarrassment.  That’s true.  She caught me— hook, line, sinker and pail.  And like my brother said before in an interview, she’s around me— in my mind, in my heart…

 

“There are still a lot of things you must remember about women.  And don’t worry, you’ll get used to it.”  In between sipping his beer he continued. 

 

“They don’t want promises but they want assurance every time.  They expect you to know what’s in their minds.  They won’t nag, alright but will give you the cold treatment and there’s nothing you can do about it.  Depends on them how long they want it to last, believe me…”

 

“You can try but they will always win any argument.  And when they cry, there’s nothing you can do but give in to their wishes; surrender… and submit.”

 

I laughed.  “I won’t be surprised knowing mom made you realize all that…”

 

“Oh, those and more…”  As if in a time warp, we went back to the days when he and mom were together.  He was smiling at the same time poignant reminiscing bittersweet.

 

“I know I’ve been unfair to her,” He said after a while.  “I know it hurts her every single time I had to leave…”

 

I kept quiet.  I can still remember clearly how they would always fight when my brother and I were young.

 

“But she is a strong woman.  She took all the responsibility of bringing you two up when I couldn’t even watch you grow before my eyes…”

 

“Listen, son.  Your woman, you should understand her more… the way I should have understood your mother back then.  I don’t want you to end up like me.  I don’t want you to realize too late that dealing with things is much more difficult without her…”

 

I smiled and nodded.  From whom else would I get the best words from but my old man?

 

For a while we were quiet.  I was the one who broke the silence.  “You still love mom.”  It was more of a confirmation from me than a question.

 

“I do.  And I always will.  I may remarry but never will I have a wife like her.  And no other woman would I want to be the mother of my two wonderful boys.”  He looked at me with pride. 

 

“I’m sorry for those times I can’t be there for you… I just want you to know that I am so proud of you two…”

 

“I also want to thank you… for taking care of your mother and brother.  I’m sure you will be a good father someday, a far better father than I am.”

 

“I couldn’t ask for more of a son.”  He raised his beer can to me.  “Well done, Soldier.”

 

I raised mine to him, while I swallowed an imaginary lump in my throat.  No prestigious award-giving body or any recognition in the world would compare with what he made me feel when he said those words.

 

“Thank you, Sir…” I can’t help but cry.  And I don’t mind if he sees it.  It’s him who taught me that real men cry. 

 

I walked him to his room when we consumed all the beer in the fridge.  I put him to bed and he slept instantly when his back felt the covers.  I smiled fondly while looking at him.  How I wish my brother and I could stay here a little longer… or better yet, how I wish he could come home with us.  Though we weren’t able to be with him always, we are proud of him too.  And we love him no matter what.

 

“You should understand her more…”  He said.  He’s right.  I shouldn’t have overreacted.

I will make it up to her when I get home.

 

~~~~~

 

“Bunso, ano ka ba?  Every five minutes mo yata tinitingnan ‘yang phone mo ah.”

 

I looked at Kuya and the rest of the team.  They were all staring at me.  Embarrassed, I put my phone back in my bag and continued eating.

 

“Ano, nothing yet?”

 

I shook my head while looking at my plate.  I only consumed half of my meal.  I tried to finish it quickly but then they started interrogating me again.

 

Aba, ilang araw na ‘yan, ah.” said our director.  “Nakauwi na siya’t lahat pero ‘di ka pa rin niya kinakausap?  Matindi yata talaga ang tampo sa ‘yo…”

 

“Oo ng po e.  Nagkasalubong pa nga po kami kaninang hapon pero hindi man lang niya ako binati…”

 

Seriously, what is up with him?  I was surprised to see him but he didn’t greet me so I avoided looking at him.  But when our eyes met for a fleeting moment I noticed the boyish grin on his lips that I felt like throwing one of my Tributes at him— only because he’s annoyingly… gorgeous.  Ah, I might be wrong.  I must have missed him so much that I’m imagining things…

 

That’s it; I was the first to concede.  I sent him a message asking if he came home safe.  I also said that I’m sorry and I already talked to mom and dad about us but didn’t tell him the details yet.

 

“O, ‘be, basahin mo ‘to,” My stylist gave me her iPhone and made me read a particular message.

 

“Nag-request siya ng song… Right Here Waiting For You?”  I suddenly felt butterflies in my stomach but I don’t want to make it obvious.  “Ano naman?  That’s one of his favorites… natural ‘yan ang request niya.”

 

“Alam mo, ang sarap niyong pag-untuging dalawa.  ‘Kaloka kayo,” Raising an eyebrow, our director turned at me.  “Kunwari ka pa diyan.  Naging favorite niya ‘yon dahil sa rendition mo.  At ikaw naman,” he lifted a fork like a teacher lecturing with his staff.  “Kami ni Musical Director, we know why you based the arrangement of your statement song sa version ni Babyface.  Dahil may ‘Babe’ nga naman ang version niya na ‘yon.” I opened my mouth to say something but he cut me.  “Huwag mo nang i-deny yan!”

 

I can feel my cheeks turned red.  I pouted when they all laughed at me.  My parents looked our way.  They were on the other table talking to the show’s other crew members.  I don’t know why but Dad smiled at me as if he could hear us.

“But you know, bunso,” it was our Director again. “You sang it beautifully.  I really love it.”

I only smiled at him.  He already said that twice tonight.  That song is one of my all-time favorites and one of my many songs for him.  I must have really sang my heart out.  Beside the fact that I’m missing him, we had some sort of misunderstanding.

I sighed and took my phone from my bag again.  Nada pa rin…

“Siyanga pala, ‘be,” Kuya moved his head closer to mine and whispered.  He looked at my parents first before asking, “Sure ka na ba diyan sa decision mo?  No turning back na ba talaga kayong dalawa?”

 

I smiled at the sincerity and concern in his voice.  Since I’ve known him, I also treated him as an older brother.  I nodded.  “Pero siyempre po may mga fears and worries pa rin ako… marami pa ring tanong ang gumugulo sa isip ko.  Pero paano ko mapapatunayan sa kanila, sa sarili ko na kaya ko na’ng mag-decide on my own kung palagi na lang akong magpapatalo sa takot?  Kung magkamali man po ako, wala akong pagsisisihan kasi po at least sinubukan ko, ‘di ba?  Knowing that I gave it my best…”

 

“Aw,” He embraced my shoulder.  “Woman na talaga ang bunso namin!”  I laughed at that.  Naging light na ulit ang usapan.  After half an hour, they all agreed to go home.  It was still raining at flooded pa rin ang ibang lugar na madadaanan namin.

 

I told them I needed a quick powder room break.  I checked my phone again.  Bakit kaya hindi pa rin niya ako kinakausap?  I know he’s busy too but… I sighed.  I don’t want to be paranoid and maybe I just miss him too much.  It wasn’t even like this when he was in the US, to think their tour lasted for more than a month.  I think there’s a huge difference now that we are a couple.

 

“We are a couple…” I repeated loud as I look at myself in the mirror.  “Ang sarap pakinggan,” I chuckled but covered my mouth.  I looked around and good thing I was the only one in the powder room.  I’m going crazy.  And this is all because of him!

 

I tried dialing his number.  His BlackBerry’s probably turned off.  I tried his other phone but it just kept ringing.  I tried again but still no answer.

 

Trying to clear my mind, I took my time brushing my hair.  It relaxes me somehow.  I don’t know how long it took me that when I went out, they’ve already turned almost all of the lights off.  They still have half an hour more before closing the place. No one was left except for the waiter who served us.  He waved at me.    Where did everyone else go?

 

I walked back and found they dimmed the lights over our table.  And— where did those colorful little candles came from?  They were perfectly arranged heart-shaped and a bouquet of red roses was put in the middle.

 

“This is so beautiful!” My heart skipped a beat as I stare at the candles.  I looked around and outside.  Could it be…?

 

“I’m glad you like it.”

~~~~~

*Disclaimer:  This is a work of fiction.  Names, characters, places and incidents are products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously.  Any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

:)

 

A/N:  Hello, readers!  Please, please don’t forget to give proper credit to the author/writer (me, jynkitty) if you wish to copy/paste, share this to your page/blog.  Thank you!  

20 thoughts on “So Many Questions (Part 1)

  1. Super duper beautiful. And the song is. … can’t help singing it always. You really amazed me on how you can inject the Lord in a love story like this. i hope that “the two” will be able to read your stories. WOW talaga! Super galing din yung first story that i read…grabe. i pray that the Lord will use this to inspire “them” to seek more the Lord in their relationship, His perfect will and plan for them. as the song goes …in His time He makes all things beautiful! and for you my dear, may the Lord increase more this gift that He has given you. Love it talaga!

  2. Wow……I really love how you write….it made me cry and at the same time,craving to read more….congratulations!!!!!!Ang galing….

  3. I’AM A HUGE FAN OF SASA<3GEGE love story.
    I admit I was not a fan of Sarah and Gerald before,not before I watched 24/SG concert..( I almost back-out watching the concert for some family dinner date, MAS PINILI KONG MANOOD NG CONCERT KASI SAYANG YUNG BINAYAD KO, and somehow may TAMPO AKO SA other family members) BUTI NALANG!! ahaha
    After that concert, I was an INSTANT fan! I found out at the concert that Sarah is awesome and charming and a great singer(iba talaga pag LIVE siya pinapanood), I WAS REALLY HOOKED BY HER TALENT! then I was intrigued by how the fans shouted and cheered when Gege appeared from the audience, I felt the support of the crowd. I enjoyed the concert so much that I went home with sore throat bec. i shouted in every moment of the concert.
    As soon as I arrived home, I researched about SASAGEGE love story and I'am hooked with what i discovered through youtube and facebook. I even started to use twitter bec of SASA GEGE.. From then on, I continue to wait and long for updates about them. This is over acting but, SASAGEGE are the reason why I'am awake till 1am to 2am even weekdays just to watch videos and read updates in FB/twitter. SASA GEGE is also our icebreaker at work (neurophysiolab,St.lukesQC) every time we do not have patients. :)) "talk of the town-sasagege" we even call ourselves POPSTERst.lukes chapter. hehe. I think i fall inlove with sarah because of her being so bubbly, and I like her style, simple yet elegant. I could relate myself to sasagege bec. I also came from a bad and broken relationship like sarah, gerald came to sarah's life and so he gave me hope that one day, GERALD NG BUHAY KO will also come along. :))
    I WILL CONTINUE TO SUPPORT THEM BOTH. THEIR LOVETEAM, AND THEIR INDIVIDUAL PROJECTS… I WILL BE AN ASHRALD AS LONG AS SARAH AND GE ARE EXISTING!!
    #nobela ??
    who ever the author of this blog: pls continue writing!! I'am also your fan!

  4. YOU ARE GIFTED. Not a lot of people are as fortunate and blessed as you and yet you have used this medium to lift our hearts up like no other words can. I salute you for ysing the power of literature to move us mere humble fans and elevate our humble AshRald community to dream again, love again and lose hope never. May God truly bless your gifted heart.

  5. Like you, I’m an Ashrald lurker. I’ve been hooked on their love story since December of last year, when I saw from Gerald’s previous interviews how he’s really considering this certain girl as a potential girlfriend and then the truth slowly unwrapped itself that it’s Sarah! Thank you for writing these great stories about them! I know you try to make it as close to the truth as possible (or is this what’s really happening???)🙂 Can’t wait for more!

  6. You did it again! writing from the heart:) congratulations for this new masterpiece… keep it coming. you bring hope and inspiration to the Ashrald community all over the world.

  7. GALING…. Hope to read more of your stories… Sana you have the power na lahat po ng sinulat mo will come true… It was so amazing that kahit di nakikita sina Sarah and Gerald sa TV together or sa big screen nakakaaddict talaga sila and ang daming nag-aabang whats next on them… May be because their love for each other was so genuine that a lot of their fans and their instant fans got hooked on them… I hope and pray that their love story will have a happy ending… :)) SALAMAT po…

  8. thank you for yet another good vibes starter, kilig inducer, and making hearts-a-flutter story, FF nga ba to? hahaha thank you!;-)

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